Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
