I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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