my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
