fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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