i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Randomize
