Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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