who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
