She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
