i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
