i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
