Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
