i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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