I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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