I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
