Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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