I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Every concussion has its silver lining
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
