walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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