Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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