I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
be right there i have to get my cape
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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