found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
