i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
