Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
