I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
