3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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