Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
