You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
