I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I love having hate sex.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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