OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
