I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize