Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
