tell your sister to shave her snatch
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Someone shattered a urinal.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
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