when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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