Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
