So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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