Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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