Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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