I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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