wrigley field is MILF paradise
okay pat passed out under dana's car
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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