what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
