Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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