I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
