I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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