why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
