if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
