it was like fucking gandolphs beard
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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