12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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