Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
