Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
