Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
