I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
