The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
