Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Randomize
