Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
