I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
