who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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