I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
