I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
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