Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
