those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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